The Best. Essay. Ever.

My freshman year of college we were all required to take a class called a ‘Gateway’ course, which was code for ‘Lets assume our freshman are idiots’. There were a variety of subjects to choose from, but the purpose of the class boiled down to this; you don’t know how to write a simple essay, so we will bang it into your brains.

One day we were given the assignment to write a persuasive essay. That’s it. Had to be about four pages, didn’t have anything to do with our class subject matter (entitled Facing Evil, or more appropriately named Why the Holocaust was Not a Good Thing). So, being filled with righteous fire at having to suffer through this bullshit course at 9:00 am, I wrote an amazing essay; Why Sex is Best Without a Condom.

No joke. As a sexually inexperienced freshman, on a campus filled with fully-formed women with no dress code to subdue their knack for wearing bust-bearing tank tops, and those short-shorts that leave just enough to the imagination, and access to T1 internet along with 20 million shower stalls to choose from at any time of the day or night, I was perpetually horny. Between my completely justified anger at a stupid morning class, surfing the net for barely legal amateurs that spoke German in reverse cowgirl whenever my roommate wasn’t looking, and sheer boredom (I didn’t know what being social meant), I pounded out this award-winning essay. It went something like this.

Disclaimer: So I think this goes without saying, but this is all BS. I just wanted to shock my teacher, so maybe he’d make a curriculum that didn’t suck.

Why Sex is Best Without a Condom

            Sex without a condom is the best sex that can be had. Hands down. Bumping uglies the way God intended is like gambling with orgasms at the end. This way, everyone can be lax about how they react to latex, and lets be honest, men; most condoms are, ahem, undersized. Honestly, the only reason the condom industry exists is because profiteering, fear-mongering capitalists are twisting good ole’ American ignorance to their advantage. Good people, we need to stand together as one against the scourge that is the condom. Think of the children.

Let’s start with the biggest problem. Biggest being the operative word here. Unless there exists a custom-tailoring condom shop, no tube of rubber is going to fit our tubes with precision. The male penis runs the gamut in size, shape, and flexibility. While it makes for some interesting porn angles, this differentiation is hell when it comes to condom sizing accurately. During intercourse, the last thing a man wants to concentrate on is whether the inorganic, suffocating, sensation killing sheath he slapped on is staying on straight. We have more important things to think about. Without the ability to customize condoms to the individual, the companies are doing us a disservice, and ruining the experience of sex for all.

If we want to elaborate on ruining the experience, let us talk allergies. According to the trusty Wikipedia, about 7% of men are allergic to latex, the primary material of the condom (unless you go the lambskin route, but who need another animal down there, am I right?). While that doesn’t sound like a big number, out of a million men that is about 70,000 dudes that, when they slap on latex, the party will end.

I once when out to a Matt Damon movie with a gorgeous chick. Tussled black hair, pouty lips, a models’ body without a models’ intelligence. She’s allergic to gluten. At the theatre, in the middle of Matt Damon trying his hardest to squeeze out tears, she stood up, walked out, and then proceeded to have her insides explode out her mouth. Not gradually leak, EXPLODE. Turns out that somewhere in the evening, she got a tiny bit of gluten in her meal. I mean, she still looked pretty fine, but if a gluten allergy can lay this goddess low, think of how your penis will react if you do turn out to have the latex allergy. Especially when your penis will be wrapped in it. You will explode. It will not be sexy, because your penis is not a model. You will cry, and your ready-and-willing date (assuming you weren’t strapping on a condom alone in the dark for some twisted reason), will scramble away like a bat out of hell. Wearing a condom creates a 7% chance that instead of taking your date to pleasure-town, you will cry on the floor in the dark, clutching at your naked body as your genitals erupt. Men, it is just not worth it.

Which brings me to my final point. Not using a condom is like gambling in the best sense of the word. You’re playing the odds, hoping for a stroke of luck. The stroke of luck being the miracle of life. Think about it. The worst thing that can happen by not using a condom is that you do not get to create a bundle of joy at that moment. But, because you are a bedroom rock star and don’t have to blow money on condoms, you get to try as many times as you like. When you do bless your maiden with a child, sir, you get to spend the rest of your life devoting yourself to that one maiden and that one mini-me. Sex without a condom is the greatest casino ever. Slots, anyone?

Let us do to this argument what we shouldn’t be doing to our penises; wrap it up. Sex without a condom is the best sex in existence. Condoms are unnatural, uncomfortable tubes of rubber not meant to be present in your intercourse. Also, sex without a condom is the best gamble you can ever make, because the product is a win-win. Finally, God forbid you slap one on and you’re allergic to latex. You’ll have to deal with the wrong type of eruption.

As for sexually transmitted diseases, those are not real. Go bareback or go home, kids.

THE END

            I know, I know. Shut up. I don’t know what I was thinking.

            Here’s the best part; we get to class that day, and the teacher randomly decides to have some students read their essays out loud, starting with me. You can imagine how that went.

Published by Neil Stratman

I'm an actor currently based in Chicago. Woot.

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